


escape (the pina colada song)

by candy



Series: zosan, but make them married dumbasses [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:21:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27352657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candy/pseuds/candy
Summary: Zoro and Sanji get married and you know what? It all goes right for once.
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Series: zosan, but make them married dumbasses [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015680
Comments: 7
Kudos: 88





	escape (the pina colada song)

**Author's Note:**

> may i offer u a self-indulgent zosan wedding fic in these trying times?

“Everything that could go wrong, will go wrong today. You understand that, right Usopp?”

Nami was biting her lip, arms crossed, staring Usopp down in the middle of the hallway. Usopp swallowed hard, he was sweating bullets. The navigator was correct. Today, they were holding this ship together. Literally, figuratively. It was up to them, the Maid of Honor, the Best Man to pull this wedding off. A heavy responsibility for two members of the Coward Trio, wrangling two monsters on their big day.

“I’m going to go wake up Sanji, do what you need to do to wake Zoro.” Nami slapped his shoulders and nodded causing Usopp to flinch. “You can’t send me in there!” The sniper protested, shedding tears. “I have Zoro-will-come-for-my-head disease! I will die!”

“Yeah, and I might end up killing one of the grooms this morning. It is what it is.” She said with a smile and started down the hallway towards Sanji’s room shouting, “Good luck!” back to Usopp.

He stood there frozen, outside the swordsman’s room. He takes a deep breath. He is going to be a brave warrior of the sea, and the BEST Best Man dammit! He could handle a hungover, haki-wielding swordsman this morning. He slaps his face to pump himself up. He grips Black Kabuto and kicks the door open. He pulls back the bands on the slingshot, ready to fire. “Hey Zoro!! Wake up! It’s your big day and I am doing my job as your Best Man. Wake up or I’ll-“

Zoro wasn’t in the room. In fact, it doesn’t even look like it was used. Instead of a grumpy, exhausted swordsman, there was a hungry, feral Luffy who was crouching on the floor in a fluffy white robe and raiding the hotel mini-fridge.

Luffy looks up at him, mouth stuffed with a frozen breakfast burrito. “Hey, Usopp.”

He should have seen this coming.

Usopp lets go of the slingshot. He can feel the edges of his mouth twitching as he stares right through his captain. “Where’s Zoro?” Luffy swallows the burrito and blinks. “Oh, he didn’t sleep here last night. He walked away with the strippers after you and Nami left for your room.”

He and Nami made an executive decision to leave the bachelor party early so they would be ready in the morning. They didn’t even drink last night, they wanted to be prepared for something like this.

Usopp was grinding his teeth. Luffy couldn’t be trusted to stick with the plan. He’s the contingency, the “Wild Card, Bitches!” that needed to be planned around. However, he thought that they could trust one of the older crew members like Jimbei or Robin to make sure the grooms didn’t walk off somewhere.

Especially, Zoro. If Zoro got himself lost somewhere and wound up dead in a ditch, _someone_ was going to die and their name probably begins with “U.” Usopp takes another deep breath, he’s winding himself up. “And where did the strippers go?” he asks, in the nicest way possible.

Luffy opens a can of cola and takes a sip. “They all went to Sanji’s room.”

Well, that’s an entirely new problem.

“You let them walk off together? To sleep in the same room?” Usopp yelled while Luffy stayed completely unbothered. The captain tilted his head looking confused. “Is that an issue?” he asked standing up and closing the fridge door.

Usopp stomped his foot. “Yes! You’re not supposed to sleep with the groom the night before your wedding. It’s bad luck! It's why we got separate rooms!” He didn’t mean to sound irritated towards his captain, but dammit, the crew had one job and that was to keep those two apart. Usopp knew they should have had separate bachelor parties for them but nooooooo. To cut costs, Nami HAD to combine them. Why did the grooms agree to this anyway?

Stupid! Stupid! This was a mess waiting to happen. He could hear the words Nami had said earlier echoing in his head, but he didn’t expect everything to unravel so quickly.

Luffy looked even more confused now. “I’ve never heard of that, also I don’t care.” He starts gulping down the cola, finishes, and free throws the can into the garbage. “They’re still in Sanji’s room and Nami’s with them. No big deal lets go say hi!” he says with a grin.

Usopp wasn’t sure if Luffy was using his advance Observation Haki to see into the future for that, but he did just sense the cook and the swordsman’s presence on the floor.

Ok. Not everything’s gone out of control.

Maybe he’s just paranoid. He’s worried about the ceremony because Sanji’s first wedding was a disaster. He and Nami, as the Best Persons, were keen on making this ceremony go off as flawlessly as possible. No troublesome family members, no exploding handcuffs, no “WEEEEEEEDING CAKE” (though this was Zoro’s request.) Just the crew, the pier, and good weather.

Luffy grabs Usopp by his wrist and they began marching down the hallway towards Sanji’s room.

And Usopp’s persistent migraine got worse.

**

“Good luck!” Nami shouted at a weeping Usopp and took her Clima-Tact out from its holster. She was only kidding about killing Sanji. She might _accidentally_ electrocute him if she sees him with a stripper. She didn’t want to kill the cook; she’s already spent so much money on this wedding. The sunk-cost fallacy was the deciding factor in whether or not she deals a lethal blow to the horndog.

She kicks open his door and readies her baton. “All right, everyone out. This pervert is getting married this afternoon, so we need you out of he- “

Nami stops yelling and is utterly confused. There were only two people in the room. Scratch that, three maybe. The shower was running.

Sheets and blankets from the bed were kicked off, Zoro was spread out buck naked next to a yellow, frizzy-haired woman more modestly covered up in a robe. Both unstartled by the navigator’s shouting. 

Nami backed up to check the room number. 559. This was Sanji’s room, why was Zoro here? With one of the strippers from last night?

Now she was pissed. What was the point in paying for extra rooms if the two were going to sleep in the same room anyway? What was the stripper still doing here? Why was the stripper in Sanji’s room? _Where the fuck was Sanji?_

Too many questions. Not enough time. Nami started pumping storm balls into the room. She wasn’t going to make it rain.

She was going to make thunder.

 _BAAAANG._ The whole room shook at the sound. Zoro and the stripper were violently awoken from their sleep, the girl was screaming.

“What’s going on?” Usopp said, out of breath, approaching Nami from the back. He had Luffy with him and the captain was wearing a similar bathrobe to the stripper.

Nami looked like she was about to pop a vein on her forehead. She gritted her teeth. “I had to do your job too, so it seems.” and pointed to Zoro on the bed, who was disoriented from the noise.

The swordsman was yelling “What the fuck” He unable to lower his voice due to his eardrums currently exploding. Nami was ignoring him and continued to glare at Usopp and Luffy, pressing the wrong people for answers to this mess.

Wait, Luffy.

Nami was one step closer to a total freak out. “What the hell Luffy? Why are you still here? Did you sleep here last night? What happened?”

Luffy was nonchalantly picking his nose. “There were more strippers here earlier. I guess they left after I did.” The captain flicked a booger and scratched his head, trying to recall what had happened earlier. He pointed at the bed and he shifted his finger over to the right side next to some sheets. “Sanji was on the floor with the girl on the bed and two other women,” He motioned back to the bed. “Zoro was on the bed and had a dude on top of him. He hasn’t moved from his spot though.”

The captain went back to picking his nose and continued. “Sanji must have put a bathrobe on the girl and moved her next to Zoro.

“Oh!” Usopp nodded and rubbed his chin. “That would make sense.”

“Huh? Stripper on my bed?” Zoro was still yelling and looked to his right, seeing the poor woman covering her ears yet from the crack of thunder approximately a meter away from her face. “Oh… you…” He muttered or, attempted to mutter. The tinnitus was making that difficult.

Nami continued to ignore Zoro and slapped Luffy, who seemed unfazed by the hit. “How do you know Sanji did all of that? How do you know Sanji’s in here too?” she interrogated the captain.

Usopp and Luffy side-eyed each other “Observation Haki, he’s in the shower” they said in unison, pointing to the bathroom.

“Oh,” She gripped her baton and pursed her lips. Haki was a subconscious effort for her two crewmates, this was embarrassing for her. “Great work, detectives.”

“You’re too kind!” Usopp said, taking the bitter, sarcastic comment at face value. Luffy just laughed and pushed into the room. “How are you feeling Zoro, what about you lady?” He yelled.

Zoro was rubbing his temple, the initial shock at the noise was turning into a pulsing ache in his forehead. “I’m fine,” He turned to the yet disoriented girl on the bed next to him. “What about you?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.” She was shaking her head, clearly disturbed.

“We’re really sorry about this,” Nami said, approaching the bed, looking mortified. This was on her and Usopp. She should have known better to leave Sanji with a bunch of strippers on the night of his wedding. Hopefully, they haven’t ruined the day yet.

“No, no it’s fine.” The stripper replied with a smile and a slight laugh. She looked like she was still reorientating herself and almost fell out of the bed. “The grooms were absolute gentlemen all night. Especially the blond.” She said and turned to Zoro. “You’re a lucky guy, he’s a keeper.”

Zoro snorted and laid back down on the bed. “Well, that’s news to me.”

The stripper quickly began to gather her things, haphazardly grabbing at her purse and heels. Nami continued to apologize. “We didn’t pay you to sleep with them, we’re really sorry about all of this.” She began digging around in her pockets for some cash to pay her, making a mental note to charge Sanji later.

“No, it’s all right.” She waved Nami off. “It was totally consensual. Happens all the time with brides and grooms.” She began walking towards the door, almost running into it. “Hope you all have a good day!”

“Wait!” Nami stopped her before she walked out of the room. She pointed down the hallway towards Zoro’s room. “Please feel free to get dressed and shower in that room, also there’s a continental breakfast downstairs that’s included with our rooms. She felt bad for what she did to the stripper. She seemed so sweet despite experiencing the worse wake-up call. It’s the very least that the navigator could do for her.

“Continental _what_?” Luffy turned to the door, about to run before Usopp grabbed him from behind. “No, you’re staying here.”

“But breakfast, Usopp!” Luffy pouted, but Usopp continued to strangle the rubber man.

“Later!” Nami said sternly. “We’re still dealing with this situation!”

The stripper was giggling as she left the room. “You all are so funny.” She said turning before leaving, “Thanks for the great night, good luck with everything Roronoa.”

The swordsman appeared to ignore her, however, the girl’s comments left him was red in the face. He looked bothered.

After she left, everyone stood around the room looking dumbstruck. Except for Luffy, who was still about to make a run for the elevator.

It was Nami who broke the silence with an audible sigh of relief while looking at Zoro. “Honestly what’s with you two and making good impressions?”

Zoro shrugged. “That could be said about all of us.”

Nami sat down on the edge of the bed, composing her thoughts. “We need to change the plan a bit.” Luffy quit struggling against Usopp to get downstairs, and the two crewmates joined Nami on the bed.

Zoro swung off the left side of the bed and stood up to find some pants to put on. “Why do we need to change the plan? We’re not late, are we?” He grabs someone’s trousers off the floor and jumps to put them on. Blue jorts with fluffy white ends. These are Luffy’s. _Whatever._ He lays back down on the bed, with legs hanging off the floor.

“No, we aren’t late.” Usopp answers, “but the main issue is Luffy.”

“Huh? What did I do?” Luffy asks, with a confused look.

“You were supposed to leave the hotel last night and help the rest of the crew prepare for the ceremony this morning,” Nami replied, crossing her arms and annoyed.

Luffy bit his lip and side-eyed Zoro, who grunted and raised an eyebrow.

“We now have to figure out how to get you down the venue without causing any more trouble.” She continued. “I guess he’ll have to go with me and Zoro.”

“Why don’t you just send him down now?” Zoro complained. This should be a simple fix. The captain just had to walk to the pier and meet with everyone else. Why make such a big deal of it?

“Because we can’t trust him to get from point A to point B without being a disruption!” Usopp said through gritted teeth.

“He’ll be fine,” Zoro answered, sitting back up.

“Oh, no, he’s right. I can’t be trusted to get to the pier by myself.” Luffy chimed in with some clarifying thoughts and looked over to Zoro. “I’ll just go with you and Nami. I don’t need or want to ruin this wedding.

Zoro sighs. _I don’t need or want to ruin this wedding._ He wasn’t going to argue with that. “Ok. Sure.”

They were all in agreement. Luffy jumped off the bed with the widest grin. “Great, now I’m hungry. I’m gonna see what this continental breakfast is all about.” He said dashing towards the door.

“Wait up! Luffy you aren’t even dressed!” Usopp started running towards the door after the captain while Zoro and Nami walked after them. Zoro grabs a white button-up shirt that must belong to curly brow and throws it on. Better than nothing. “Do they have booze at continental breakfast?”

Nami rolls her eyes and has the first genuine smile she’s had all day. “I’m down for a 10 am Bloody Mary if you are.”

The four of them left the room, closing the door behind them. A minute later the bathroom door swings open. Sanji walks out of the steamy room in a bathrobe still drying his hair. “Hey Mosshead, I heard a loud crashing noise earlier. It sounded like thunder, so I thought it was Nami. She isn’t hurt, is she?” he asks and looks around the empty room.

“Where did everybody go?”

**

Usopp barges into Sanji’s room about an hour later.

“Hey dude, sorry we forgot to invite you to breakfast. I brought some tea, a croissant, and a donut for you.” The sniper quickly blurts out. He noticed that Sanji was out of the shower before he walked into the room with Observation Haki. He decided not to give any space for the cook to kick his ass for leaving him behind. Better to be on the safe side than deal with his wrath.

But Usopp almost dropped the food he was carrying.

“Well, thanks. I appreciate the thought.” A blond-haired man said in a huff while dabbing out a cigarette. He wore a fine suit, with a gray vest and black morning coat, trousers, and shoes. The ascot he wore was held together with an emerald gemstone pin that Usopp recognized as treasure they had picked up at Thriller Bark years ago.

Waitasecond. This blond hair gentleman was Sanji! With his hair slicked back, revealing both eyes and curly eyebrows swirled to the right.

“Eyes.” Usopp was close to screaming. “ _Your eyes_.” he almost did not recognize his friend because of it.

“Huh?” It took a second for Sanji to register the confusion of his friend. “Oh yeah, I decided to change things up for the wedding.”

He walked over to Usopp, took the tea, and donut out of his crewmate’s hands. They both sat down at the table to the right side of the room. “I’m trying to one-up him.”

Usopp rolls his eyes, he doesn’t know why he decides to ask a follow-on question. It’s like feeding the beast. “Why are you trying to one-up him?”

Sanji starts laughing, and Usopp hears the bitterness in his voice. “That bastard is finally going to say my name in his vows. This is my pre-emptive strike; I’m getting in front of him.” And the cook takes a bite of the donut.

Usopp could not believe his pettiness right now. “You’re getting married to him in an hour and you’re still going on with this rivalry bullshit of yours? This is your main concern right now?”

“Absolutely,” Sanji answered between bites. “We already have a bet about the number of Marines we’re going to take out at the ceremony. First to fifty calls the shots tonight.”

“Oh my god,” The sniper placed his face in his hands. “Why is it always a competition with you two? Can’t you just settle? I thought you settled.”

Sanji rolls his eyes. “Well, that’s it. If we settled, that’s effectively calling it quits.” He says after finishing the donut. “Competition makes us stronger, and we need to keep getting stronger for ourselves and the crew.”

“Yeah but,” Usopp leans back in his chair, he can even look Sanji in his eyes right now. It’s too weird and it’s throwing him off. “With dumb childish crap like this?” Sanji and Zoro were 26-year-olds acting like they were 13. You would think at some point they would get over this school-age rivalry and start acting like adults.

“Yes, actually. This shit’s fun. I love getting a rise out of Mosshead.” He takes a sip of the tea, while Usopp begins nervously nibbling on the croissant. Stress eating. This is the cook’s fault for making him this anxious.

“But you love him. Right?” Usopp asked with food in his mouth. He probably shouldn’t be asking Sanji this question. He might get hurt for that one. But his mouth was faster than his brain at that moment, and he immediately started backtracking. “Wait no, I mea-“

Sanji winced at first but then cut him off. “Of course, but that’s another thing entirely.”

Now Usopp was stumped. “What do you mean by that?”

The cook tapped the lid of the cup of tea, trying to find a good response to that. “Ok. There’s _Roronoa Zoro._ ”

“Sure.” Usopp took another anxious bite of the croissant.

Sanji leans into the table and moves his hands to the right. “The swordsman who knows exactly what to say at the right time. He can be thoughtful and kind despite the rough exterior. He has incredible ambition and drive. He’s loyal to the crew, friends and there’s nobody I can trust more than him.” Usopp sees the cook completely light up talking about Zoro. His face breaks out in a wide grin, his eyes were shining, absorbing all the light around him. Usopp has only seen this side of Sanji when he talks about the All Blue.

He really had no further questions, but Sanji continued. The cook leans back, shifting his hands to the left. His grin turns into a frown, and his face hardens into an intense glare. “Then there’s the _Pirate Hunter Roronoa Zoro_. The irritating swordsman who thinks that his dream is worth dying for. A self-assured asshole who acts like he’s invincible when he’s just as vulnerable as the rest of us. The shitty bastard whose bounty just happens to be higher than mine right now.” Sanji grips his hands into fists and is clenching his jaw.

Usopp swallows the rest of his croissant and his mouth decides to ask another stupid, obvious question. “It’s about your bounties?”

Oh, oh no. Usopp immediately hits the floor after asking that question. Sanji’s going to murder him this time.

But instead, the cook throws his hands in the air. “Yes! It’s about our bounties. _Fuck him_.” He slaps the table hard, almost spilling his tea. “Also fuck him for being so gentle, so warm at night when he’s cuddling you in one of the hammocks and you’re thinking to yourself ‘Well I don’t deserve this, I suck.’ and he reminds you that you do. You do deserve this.” He lets his arms drop to his side; he’s looking up at the ceiling all red in the face.

Usopp got up from the floor and sat back down at the table. Still not making direct eye contact with Sanji “That got… squishy.” He murmured.

Sanji regains his composure, and tugs at his tie. “Yeah, feels good to say it though.”

Usopp’s not sure he had ever fully gotten their relationship. They just seemed to fight all the time! However, that was only on the surface. Sanji, despite being a gigantic pervert with a temper, has clearly made up his mind. The bounty thing was for sure childish, as was the “pre-emptive strike.” Nevertheless, his actual feelings toward Zoro were well placed and mature.

Usopp got up and dusted off his tux. “Well, are you ready?” Sanji grabs his tea and a pair of sunglasses, placing them over his eyes.

“Yeah, time to make some jaws drop at my second wedding.” Sanji is laughing, and Usopp could only slap his forehead in response.

**

“There you go!” Nami pins Zoro’s ascot together with a sapphire clip. It was a beautiful piece, She wondered why she held onto this pin and the emerald one she gave to Sanji all this time. Most of the treasure from Thriller Bark was gone by this point, just leftover scraps when she stumbled upon these pins in the hoard a couple of weeks back.

She’s glad she’s found a use for it, however.

The navigator steps back to get a full view of Zoro’s suit. Her and the swordsman were together in the Boy’s room of the Sunny, where she brought over her own full-length mirror for Zoro to use. He was wearing an all-white three-piece suit. It wasn’t exactly the inverse of Sanji’s suit, but almost. Nami picked them out for the boys. She wanted them to contrast on the altar, they were going to look beautiful together.

“Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.” She says aloud. “The pin fits at least three of those, pretty efficient I would say.”

“What does that mean?” Zoro asked. He tugged on the tie, it felt tight. Although that could have just been nerves.

Nami kept tugging at his outfit to make sure it fits correctly. Zoro was a big guy these days, the suit had to be tailor-made for him, unlike Sanji. Both men had at least a head and a half on Nami height, she was almost on her toes adjusting Zoro’s suit.

“It’s an old rhyme. Things that brides traditionally wear on their wedding day.” She answered nonchalantly. “A bride is supposed to have something old for protection, for a future child specifically. Something new for a hopeful future, something borrowed for good luck.” She touches the sapphire again, “Something blue for fidelity. It represents the bride’s purity.”

Zoro snorted. “That’s dumb, I’m also not a bride.” He shoos off Nami, who backs off, giggling as she does. “Especially that last one, huh?” She was enjoying this far too much. Zoro turned red and bit his lip.

“Don’t worry _fragile masculinity_. You’re not a bride.” The navigator continued, “But you are the one wearing white right now. You should have fun with it.”

“What? Are you going to put a veil on me too?” Zoro frowned, crossed his arms. This was already a lot right now. Nami was making him feel small. He hated the attention, he just wanted this over already.

“No, of course not. But.” She grabs her purse and pulls out a five Berry coin. “Part of the rhyme calls for a _sixpence in her shoe_. A Pence is some old form of currency. It supposedly represents future prosperity.” 

This was pissing him off. “Can you cut it with the superstitious crap already? Quit fussing over me!” he raises his voice slightly, but Nami was undisturbed by his frustration. She shakes her head, “I’m not sure if you understand the extraordinary circumstance that is happening here.” She opens Zoro’s hand and placed the coin in the palm. “Keep it.”

It takes Zoro a few seconds before it hits him. “You’re giving me money, and you don’t expect interest.”

Nami visibly shudders. “Don’t say it out loud, you’re making me uncomfortable.” Zoro could almost laugh right now. Ok fine, they are even. Zoro places the coin on the side of his left shoe, tightly enough so he’s not stepping on it as he walks.

“And hopefully that will bring you enough money that you can finally pay me off after all these years.” She says grinning. She holds out her arm for Zoro to hold. “Wanna get this started?”

“I didn’t buy those swords. I owe you jack shit.” He retorted, grabbing her arm. And the two began to walk out of the room.

**

“Hey Brook, are you taking requests right now?” Luffy asked the crew’s musician.

The captain is currently sitting down at the makeshift altar Franky built at the end of the pier. It was almost noon, and the sun was shining down brightly on the ocean. Truly a gorgeous day for a wedding.

Brook was tuning a small, portable organ for the ceremony. “Sure, what would you like to hear?”

“Hmmmm…” Luffy was pretending to think. Really, he just asked because he was _so bored_. Ugh, when would everyone arrive? He snaps his fingers. “I know, the _Pina Colada_ song. I’ve had the tune stuck in my head for a bit.”

He didn’t, but he did like the tune.

“Are you sure you want to play that song at a wedding?” Jimbei, piped up. He was leaning on the side of the banister, arms crossed next to Robin who looked up from the book she was reading. She seemed puzzled. “Isn’t that song about a guy who wants to cheat on his girlfriend?”

Chopper, who was sitting next to Luffy on the altar tapped his hoof on his chin. “But the guy answers a personal ad, and the person who wrote it is his girlfriend right?”

Franky, who was making last-minute fixes to the altar chimed in “That’s right bro! Look at you, getting those references in old songs!” Robin giggled and Chopper jumped up and did a little dance. “Aww shut up you bastard!! I don’t need your validation!”

Franky hammered one more nail into the roof before jumping back down onto the pier. “It’s still about infidelity though. I’m still not sure it’s the right mood. There’s probably a more appropriate Buffet song for the occasion.”

“Ah Franky, _Pina Colada_ isn’t a Jimmy Buffet song,” Brook answered, tapping out the first few notes of the song. “It’s from Rupert Holmes.”

“Well, why not play an actual Jimmy Buffet song?” Jimbei suggests, “I’ve always liked _God Only Knows_ , and it fits the moment.”

“That song is about suicidal ideation.” Robin narrowed her eyes and nodded. Chopper grabbed a hold of Luffy, trying to stand back as far away from the archeologist as possible, and whispered in his ear. “Why does she always say weird things like that?” Luffy just gave a laughing, non-answer to the poor, scared reindeer.

“Well, Jimbei,” Brook spoke up. _God Only Knows_ is a good song, though it’s the Beach Boys, not Buffet.”

“Aww, damn.” The helmsman snapped his fingers, a little embarrassed by the mistake. Robin tapped his shoulder. “I always thought it was The Beatles” she whispered.

“However, I think you’re right. It fits the mood better than _Pina Colada_.” The musician added, “It’s about loving someone to the end of time, _as long as there are stars above you_. It doesn’t end when someone dies.” He plays the first few notes of the on the organ. 

“Awww, I don’t want to listen to a sad song,” Luffy complained, he rested his face on his hand and gave Brook a pout. “Play the _Pina Colada_ song anyway,”

“Aye, captain.” Brook began to play the opening notes to _Pina Colada_ again, as Luffy jumps up. “Wait, he’s here!”

Brook cuts the song, as the crew turns to Nami and Zoro disembarking the Sunny.

“Hi, I’ve brought one of the grooms with me!” Nami shouts and waves to the rest of the crew. Zoro looks as if he’s about to turn red. He lets go of Nami and shoves his hands in his pockets.

“My, how handsome he looks in white.” Robin smiles and puts her book away. Jimbe nodded in agreement. “He’s certainly bright.”

“Zoro!” Chopper jumps up and runs to the swordsman, grabbing his leg. The doctor is bursting into tears. “Hey Chopper!” Nami stomps her foot. “Be careful, that suit is expensive! We can’t have you ruining it with your crying.”

Chopper lets go of Zoro’s leg and nods. He digs through his pockets to show them the ring case. “These are all ready to go.” He doesn’t pop the box open, that will happen during the ceremony. Zoro kneels and pats Chopper’s head. “Thanks for protecting them.”

The reindeer, still in tears, raises his hoof in salute. “Aye, aye!”

Zoro starts walking up to the altar, Brook on the organ begins playing the Bridal Chorus. “ _Here comes the bride, all dress in whi_ -“The skeleton begins singing before he’s rudely cut off by the swordsman. “Not a bride, Brook.”

“Oh, my mistake.” Brook continues to play the music without singing along with it. “Can you think of another word for "groom" that rhymes with "white?" Zoro stops. He tries to think of something; however, he balls his hand into fists. He grunts in defeat.

“I’m just messing with you, _yohohoho_.” Brook continues to gleefully sing along as Zoro, annoyed, approached Luffy at the altar with Nami.

“Everything is getting on my last nerve right now.” Zoro confided in Luffy who just smirked. The swordsman nervously glanced around the pier as everyone got into position. Chopper as the ringbearer, Robin the flower girl, Brook the organist, Franky, and Jimbei as the captive audience, Luffy was officiating as the captain…

“Sanji just called, he and Usopp should be here in about two minutes.” Franky held up a portable Den Den Mushi.

Nami puts her hands on her him, looking slightly anxious. “Everything is so _quiet._ ” She whispers to Luffy and Zoro.

Luffy is still grinning, “Ahh there’s still ceremony to get through though, so we might have just jinxed it.” The captain then looks at Zoro places his hand on his shoulder. Luffy was exactly his height now, seeing eye to eye with him still caught him off guard. “Hey, you got this.”

Zoro doesn’t have any time to nod in agreement before Chopper is yelling, “It’s Usopp! It’s Usopp!”

Everyone again turns to the end of the pier. Usopp stood wearing a pair of aviator sunglasses with another man with slicked-back blond hair wearing similar glasses, stomping out the remains of a cigarette into the wood of the pier. “It is my honor, as The Great Captain Usopp to walk my dear friend and crewmate, Sanji, down the aisle” The sniper gestured to the blond hair man who then took off his sunglasses and stared at his friend. “Usopp, you’re not walking me down the aisle.”

Usopp took his glasses off and placed it on his head. “Sanji, that was so cold.”

But this was ignored. As everyone was staring at Sanji, specifically his face. With both eyes.

“Ah, so that’s what his face looks like,” Franky said with one of his little hands rubbing his chin. “I guess the eyebrows really do curl in the same direction.”

“He had a working eye under there this entire time?” Jimbei inquired. Robin nodded. “He used to have his hair cover his right eye so only the left eye was visible.” She answered. “You’re witnessing a one-of-a-kind moment.”

“That’s Sanji! Heeeeey Sanji!” Luffy started waving to him. “He looks so weird with both eyes, huh?”

“Pudding did something similar at his first wedding,” Nami adds while turning to Zoro. “You’ve seen both eyes, haven’t you?”

Zoro has never seen both eyes, but that’s not what’s bothering him right now. This asshole did a pre-emptive strike to throw him off. At their own wedding. That _fucker_. He can feel the corners of his mouth twitch.

This was the first time all day that Zoro felt, at ease. This was exactly what he was missing.

The swordsman regained his composure, looked his best man and fiancé right in their eyes, and pointed at them. “Number 10, and number 11. You’re dead last, cook.”

“Of course, asshole.” He yelled back. “I gotta walk down the aisle.”

“That must be my cue,” Brook whispered, still trying to get over the shock Sanji’s eyes. He begins playing the Bridal Chorus again on the organ. Chopper transformed into Walk Point and began trotting down the aisle with the ring case in his mouth. On the sides of the walkway, several hands sprouted from the deck and threw flower petals around.

Usopp followed Sanji, who kept the pace behind Chopper. Zoro did not get a good look at Sanji’s face until the reindeer popped back into Brain Point and presented the rings to Luffy. Both stupid curly eyebrows with stunning blue eyes and a cocky smirk that both infuriated him but left him breathless. The cook won this round.

“Hey, Mosshead. Missed you at breakfast this morning.” He says, stuffing his hands in his trouser pockets. Zoro can tell he’s nervously tapping the carton of cigarettes he’s stashed away. It never occurred to Zoro that the cook might be at his wit's end too. 

He had a hard time looking at him with both eyes, but he tried, crossing his arms and grinning. “Nami invited me for drinks. I can’t say no to that.”

That wiped the cook’s dumb cocky smile off his face. Sanji narrowed his eyes, clenched his jaw, and he pointed to himself. “That should have been me brunching with Nami, not you or anyone else!” He yelled. “Don’t even suggest you are on her level!”

He looks over the swordsman’s shoulder to see Nami, dressed to the nines in a beautiful orange gown that only accentuated her eyes, her hair. Basically, everything about her. Sanji’s heart was fluttering, for god’s sake, she was so cute when she’s giggling like that. “You look absolutely amazing today Nami!” he said, looking as goofy as ever.

Usopp shook the lovestruck cook’s shoulder to shake him out of it. “Hey, dude, you’re not marrying her.”

“Awww, thanks Sanji!” Nami replied with a smile and a wink, that made Sanji’s entire body shudder. He would have fallen to the floor if it wasn’t for Usopp catching him. “Sanji, get a hold of yourself man!” Usopp whispered, pushing him back upright.

Zoro casually turns back to Nami. “What are you trying to do to him?” He asked raising his eyebrow. Why was she wasting time getting the cook so riled up?

“Just screwing around, you can thank me for the assist later.” She winks at him this time and he swears he saw Berry signs in her eyes. He turns back around to see a more composed cook, wiping his nose with a handkerchief. “Ok, I’m good. I’m good now. It’s out of my system.”

Luffy was watching all of this unfold with a wide grin as looked at his first four crewmates who were bickering and messing around in front of him. This was great, to see everyone acting themselves, having a good time.

He cleared his throat. “Ok, Hey,” Everyone turned to look at Luffy who was raising his arms. “We’re gathered here today to join in marriage “Pirate Hunter”, Roronoa Zoro and “Black-leg” Vinsmoke Sanji.” He announced, gesturing to both men, who now looked bashful. Turning away from one another while the rest of the crew began cheering and clapping.

Luffy continued. “The groom gave me permission to say “Vinsmoke” today because we’re, and I quote him: “Throwing that shitty garbage name into a flaming dumpster of shit and I need _everyone_ at this party to know that.” He said, projecting his voice across the pier.

The crew continued to cheer, while Sanji leaned towards Luffy. “You memorized all of that?”

“Jimbei helped! He’s done a lot of these!” The captain answered, giving a thumbs up to the fish-man in the front row. Jimbei replied with his own thumbs-up, while uproariously laughing.

“How about we exchange your vows then?” Luffy pops open the ring case, with two golden bands. One band had waves etched in aquamarine across the side, the other a sword in jade. Nami looked over Zoro’s shoulder, eyes a glow “Oooh, these are lovely! Great job Usopp!”

Usopp started nodding “Thanks! I melted down some old gold from Skypiea and made the designs based on what Sanji and Zoro requested.

“Why the gold from Skypiea? She asked, although, she seemed more surprised that they had gold going that far back yet.

“ _Fufufufu_ because we stole that treasure, adds a little edge to the story doesn’t it?” Usopp wiped across his nose with a smile.

Franky leaned over to Robin and whispered, “Didn’t you tell me the Skypieans gave you that gold?” Robin looked up at the shipwright and pressed a finger to her lips. “Shhhh, they don’t need to know that.”

“This is my first time seeing them,” Sanji said, picking up the ring with the waves. “You really did a nice job with these. Thank you.”

Zoro picked up the ring with the sword etched on the side. The design was a simplified representation of the Wado Ichimonji; the sword that belonged to his rival Kunia, and he was given after she died. Sanji must have requested this specifically, but why?

Sanji was equally confused, looking at the other ring. The waves curled up into spirals, was this a representation of the All Blue? Why did Zoro ask for this?

“Who would like to go first?” Luffy asked, looking back and forth between Zoro and Sanji.

Zoro cleared this throat. “I will,” He grabs Sanji’s left hand and rubbed the cook’s ring finger with his thumb. His hands were tough, calloused. Years of working with sharp objects left them scarred and hardened, despite never using knives in a fight. They were precious, it was a privilege to hold them like he is right now.

“A long time ago I made a vow with the girl who once owned this sword,” Zoro said, pointing at the design on the ring. “And that’s the same vow I’m making today.” He slipped the ring onto the finger and clasped his hand with both of his. “I will be the greatest swordsman, because you would not allow anything less from me, _Sanji_.”

There was audible gasping from everyone in the crew, except Sanji and Usopp.

“Someone please tell me that they were recording that,” Nami said, stunned.

Usopp whipped out a Tone Dial and waved it. “Sanji gave me the heads up that Zoro would say that earlier. I came prepared.” Nami punched the air in response.

Zoro rolled his eyes. “Way to ruin it, _pal,_ ” he said shooting a glare in Usopp’s direction. While Sanji laughed.

Luffy was sobbing but trying to keep it together as the officiant “ThatwuzSO BEAUTIFUL ZORO!” He was using his suit sleeve to wipe the tears and snot from his face.

Zoro and Sanji had yet to move from their positions. Zoro’s hands still clasping Sanji’s and it was getting sweaty and clammy. They were more concerned with their friend’s visceral reactions to just one of their vows.

“Are they going to be okay?” Zoro asked Sanji, facing the crowd.

Sanji looked over to Brook, who was having what appeared to be a meltdown in the keys of the organ. “Yeah, I think they’ll be fine. I doubt I’ll top that.”

“Well good,” Zoro released Sanji’s hand and extended his own right hand.

Sanji took Zoro’s hand, they were thick and heavy. Years of lifting and fighting with bladed objects would do that to a person. But they also felt powerful. Zoro would never say it, but his hands were equally important and vital to him as Sanji’s hands are to him.

“People used to call my dreams stupid and childish, and I believed them.” Sanji was rubbing the side of the ring with the abstraction of the All Blue. “Then, I met a whole bunch of people with similar stupid, childish dreams and my own finally felt like a possibility.” Sanji slipped the ring onto Zoro’s finger and grabbed both of his hands “I vow to find the All Blue, I hope the greatest swordsman is at my side when I do.”

Luffy looked like he was about to burst, he grabbed both men and pulled them into a hug. “SANNNJI HOW DARE YOU!” Were the only things he said that sounded like words. Brook and Franky were both gushing at this point and Chopper was having a tough time holding it together. Jimbei and Robin were wiping their eyes a little. Usopp was only keeping it together for the sake of the recording.

“Luffy, let go of me!” Sanji was still holding on to Zoro’s hand as he tried to squirm out of Luffy’s grip. The cook also looked annoyed but was fighting it less than he was.

Nami was hiding her eyes from everyone. “You both are too much, too much.”

And Sanji pulls away from Zoro and Luffy then stomps on the swordsman’s toes.

“Hey, what the fuck?” Zoro yelled Luffy lets go of him, the swordsman grabs his foot and jumps in place. Way to disrupt the mood after all that heartfelt crap he just said about finding the All Blue.

“You made Nami cry! Apologize right now!” The cook demanded while poking his chest. Zoro stopped jumping in place and pointed at himself. “I made her cry? You were the one who made her cry asshole, take responsibility for your own damn actions.”

“Your vows were more heartwarming!” Sanji protested, he was almost about to go up in flames. They could scrimmage right now; they totally had the time. “That’s what broke Nami’s heart, apologize now you scum!”

Nami had stopped crying. She looked at her two crewmates and decked both of them. Zoro and Sanji fell to the ground, completely caught off guard.

She placed both hands on her hips and stared the two men down, with Usopp and Luffy nervously watching from the sidelines. “ _Children_ quit fighting and just say ‘I do’ already!”

Sanji and Zoro slowly picked themselves up from the ground, staring down at the floor of the makeshift altar before bringing their heads up to face one another.

“They’re getting restless, aren’t they?” Zoro spoke softly, and Sanji nodded. He grabbed his partner’s hands, and both looked to Luffy who had regained his composure. He was grinning, with an intense look in his eyes. “All right, let’s get to the kiss.”

Luffy turns to Sanji, “Are you, Vinsmoke Sanji, ready and willing to marry Roronoa Zoro?”

“I am.”

And then Luffy turns to Zoro. “Are you, Roronoa Zoro, ready and willing to marry Vinsmoke Sanji.”

“I am.”

The captain then gestures to both and sidesteps away from the couple. Letting the afternoon sun hit the boys. “Then by the power vested in me, as the Captain of the Thousand Sunny, I pronounce you married! Now kiss!”

It was Zoro who pulled Sanji in by his waist into the kiss. The cook tasted like cigarettes, as usual, and his lips were incredibly soft. The cook placed his hand behind the swordsman's head and brought him closer. For a brief second, it felt as though it was just them and the waves, over the cacophony of other distractions.

The rest of the crew jumped up and cheered. Robin and Chopper threw flower petals at the boys. Brook started playing Wedding March. Nami stood behind the boys and clapped.

“Aren’t the traditional vows longer than that, Luffy?” Usopp asked as they turned to face the ocean. The captain was cracking his neck, stretching a bit “I’m not a priest. ‘Death do you part’ is lame. Also, we have five seconds.” He said, punching the palm of his hand.

Usopp felt the tension in the air. Five seconds was generous.

Sanji pulled away from Zoro, still holding the back of his head “Hit the deck.” He said, and both men ducked as Luffy blocked several cannonballs with his stomach. The captain sent all the ammunition back to a Marine ship located just offshore, in plain view of the pier.

“G-5 Marines! They found us already!” Brook tried to act surprised, he wasn’t convincing.

Nami whipped out her Clima-Tact and readied some storm clouds. “We were compromised last night when Vice Admiral Tashigi infiltrated the party.” She informed Usopp who was firing some Pop Greens to form a protective barrier around the pier. “Oh, I thought that stripper from earlier looked familiar!” He had a hunch that she was a soldier. The bad wig she wore and Sanji’s comment about “taking out Marines” really sealed any doubt from the sniper.

Nami nodded. “Luffy and Zoro filled me in on our way over here just in case we were being tapped at breakfast. She found her way into the party room and Zoro recognized her immediately. He asked Luffy to stay as a back-up just in case she pulled a raid on the party. Luffy ordered the rest of the crew to go back and protect the Sunny, and the three of them, Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji, cornered off the strippers in Sanji’s room just in case they were all soldiers.”

Sanji slammed his heel into the altar, cracking open the floorboards where Zoro’s swords were hidden. Zoro quickly tied his bandana around his head and unsheathed his swords. “First to fifty wins.” He said before placing Wado in his mouth.

“Give me half a minute and I’ll have a hundred of ‘em lying on the ocean floor.” Sanji lit a cigarette and the two made a mad dash to the other side of the pier where they were being surrounded by Marines.

Tashigi, having taken off the yellow wig and replaced her contacts with glasses, awaited the pirates at the end of the pier. “Congrats to the newlyweds,” She sarcastically clapped. “Sorry to crash your wedding, but we will be arresting every Straw Hat today!” She raised Shigure, her sword, which was the signal for her men to attack.

“Hey Brook, head for the ship” Luffy swung over to the musician. “We can handle this; I want a soundtrack to this fight.”

“Ah, Luffy. Are you asking me to play _Pina Colada_?”

The captain nodded and laughed. “Yeah, really fits the mood now doesn’t it?”

The skeleton dropped his sunglasses onto his face and pulled out his guitar. “Aye, aye Captain.” And began singing:

_I was tired of my lady_

_We'd been together too long_

_Like a worn out recording_

_Of a favorite song_

Jimbei and Franky were preparing the ship for a _Coup de Burst_ as Brook jumped onto the deck. His lithe body gracefully dodging the cannon fire as he continued.

_So while she lay there sleeping_

_I read the paper in bed_

_And in the personal columns_

_There was this letter I read:_

Sanji kicked his way through a crowd of Marines on the right side of the pier. While Zoro sliced through on his left, encountering Tashigi and crossing swords.

“Go after Roronoa Sanji!” She ordered her soldiers, “I got Roronoa Zoro.” Tried to hold back the swordsman using her Haki.

“Awww, the vice admiral used my name! Thanks babe!” Sanji waved at her while kicking her soldiers off the pier and into the ocean and roundhousing a bunch of them into the rocky coastline.

“Congratulations Black-leg!!” One of the men yelled as he was dropped from the bridge. The cook took a second to look down over the dock, then gave the soldiers who were swimming ashore the finger. “Shut up, I don’t need congratulations from guys like you! I only want congratulations from Tashigi!”

One of the guys waved back to Sanji. “We’re so honored to have participated in such a lovely ceremony. Best of luck to you lovebirds!”

“Fuck off!” He yelled down while digging his heel into the head of a Marine that approached him from the back. _Thirty-five_.

Zoro on the other hand was frustrated. This stupid vice admiral was going make him lose a bet to the cook! “Get out of my way!” He twisted Enma and slammed the backside of the blade into her side to dislodge himself from her. Tashigi was strong, but she wasn’t strong enough to beat an adrenaline-fueled Zoro who wanted to top the cook.

“Vice Admiral Tashigi!” The men shouted, as they all huddled around to protect her. “Stop it, go after the Straw Hats! I’m fine!” She tried hollering at them, however, Zoro sliced through them with some Santoryu, sending the soldiers flying away.

_If you like pina coladas_

_And getting caught in the rain_

_If you're not into yoga_

_If you have half a brain_

“Huh, why is Brook singing that song?” Usopp asked as he evacuated Robin and Chopper to the ship. Luffy gleefully punched several Marines who were aiming at the sniper. “Oh, that was a whole thing. You missed it.” Luffy replied, sending another bunch of Marines flying off the pier with a whip of his leg. “I thought it would be fun to have a soundtrack.”

Usopp aimed a bunch of Pop Greens at the men, sending a few carnivorous plants their way. “Something is bothering me.” He asked.

“Hmmm?” Luffy punched another Marine running for him, stopping the man cold in his tracks. “What’s up?”

Usopp titled his head, adjusting his aviators while the giant fly traps he shot were trying to eat several soldiers alive. “Were all the strippers from last night Marines? Did Sanji and Zoro get honey trapped?”

“The strippers were real; it was only the sword lady that was faking it. She didn’t even take off her clothes.” Luffy answered. He crossed his arms and scratched his head. “The possibility for an ambush was real, and that’s why I stayed.”

That part about Tashigi raised more questions for the sniper. “Were you in the room with them when they were-“

“I was for a bit when everyone was still partying, but then I went outside in the hallway so I could just concentrate on the sword lady.” Luffy shrugged his shoulders, “They made it difficult with how loud they were.”

Usopp let out a deep sigh. “So, they did have sex with the strippers.”

“They’ll do what they want!” Luffy laughed and nudged Usopp onto the ship. Usopp placed his hands on his temple, he could only shake his head.

_If you like making love at midnight_

_In the dunes on the cape_

_Then I'm the love that you've looked for_

_Write to me and escape_

“And that’s fifty!” Sanji yelled sending one last Marine flying into the boardwalk with a Diable Jambe. “I win shitty swordsman!” Zoro sheathed his swords and threw his hand up in defeat. “If it wasn’t for the lady getting in my way, I would have beat you easily.”

Both men made a dash for the Sunny, that had just been unanchored and preparing to fly. “Don’t blame an innocent woman, just admit you got distracted and that’s why you lost.” Sanji snapped.

“Tashigi is not innocent, she-“

“You are so annoying.” Sanji interrupts Zoro by grabbing the swordsman, lifting him up and Sky Walking towards the Sunny. The cook made a few leaps towards the boat and landed on the front deck where everyone else was gathered with Zoro in his arms.

“We made it.” Smirking, Sanji lifted himself off the deck while still holding Zoro.

Robin was giggling “A bridal carry, huh? How cute.”

Zoro noticed the position that the cook was carrying him in and felt his face turn hot “Let go of me bastard!” and attempted to squirm out of Sanji’s grasp.

“Ahh, whoops.” Sanji dumped Zoro onto the hardwood floor of the deck. “My bad must have done it subconsciously.” He grinned slightly as he looked down at Zoro who was still red in the face and pissed off. The swordsman jumped up from the floor and balled his hands into fists. “You didn’t have to drop me!”

Sanji still looked undisturbed “I didn’t think a musclehead like you would feel anything.” This motherfucker. What a charmless asshole he was.”

“Zoro! Sanji!” Chopper ran over to them with his medical bag. “Are you ok?” He asks, taking out a few supplies. “I see that Zoro got a bit of blood on his suit.”

Zoro only notices the splatter of blood on his vest a second before Nami whacks him in the back of his head. Causing him to drop to the floor again. “You got _blood_. On the _tailor-made suit_.” She yelled, and Chopper frantically looked through his bag for bandages for the swordsman’s head.

Sanji was too busy laughing at Zoro to notice Nami coming for his face, clocking his jaw, and sending him into the hardwood floor as well. “This is your fault too, asshole.” She stared down both with the most conniving look and pointed to the cook. “I’ll be taking your dowry”

Sanji looked shocked and the sweet navigator’s demand. “W-what dowry?”

“I don’t know, but you two better come up with something or I will be charging interest.” She was now yelling at and addressing both. “You have a joint account now.”

The cook got back up, sitting on his knees. “Nami please, don’t do that! We all have our own debts, don’t make that shitty bastard’s debts mine.”

Nami crossed her arms. “For richer or poorer…”

“I never said that!” Sanji continued to negotiate with her, as Zoro sat back up, crisscross, with fresh bandages around his head. He took off his shoe and pulled out a coin. “Do you want this back?”

“No! I don’t want my coin back from your smelly, gross shoe!” Nami yelled as she continued to tear the boys a new one. Luffy peeked over his shoulder to see Sanji wailing and Zoro desperately trying to give Nami the coin back. He couldn’t stop smiling. Today was a great day. Everything ran so smoothly, and he only has his navigator and sniper to thank for that.

“Hey Brook, can you do an encore?” He asks the musician who was playing the last few notes of _Pina Colada_.

“Of course, I can.” And he restarted the song.

Luffy then looked to his helmsman, who was ready at the lever to charge the _Coup de Burst_ “All right Jimbei, Hit it.”

“Aye Aye.” And the Sunny blasted up into the cloudless afternoon, flying off to another round of _Pina Colada_.

**

“And there we go.” Sanji tacked up a new bounty poster to the wall of the Boy’s room. He stepped back to get a good look of it. “WANTED. DEAD OR ALIVE. RORONOA SANJI.” He read the poster, framing it up in his hands.

“Bounty’s still the same though,” Zoro muttered, sitting at the table, and drinking some sake from a bottle.

“Shut up, nobody cares that your bounty went up slightly because you fought a vice admiral.” The cook snapped and sat down next to Zoro and began pouring some red wine into a glass. Zoro slammed the bottle down on the table. “The Marines certainly cared enough.”

“You’re the absolute worse.” He takes a sip of wine as his husband grabs his shoulder and pulls him in closer. “I like it. The poster. Your name on it.” He says softly, rubbing the cook’s back. Sanji takes another sip of wine and smiles. There was nothing to complain about.

**Author's Note:**

> gotta be honest, my main inspiration for this is how the pina colada song is used in the ASIP episode "the gang solves the bathroom problem" i might have cribbed their conversation for this fic.
> 
> what i really wanted to do was write a fight scene to the song but when i was googling the lyrics i think guardians of the galaxy might have beaten me to the punch? idk it's been a long time i haven't seen that movie all the way through.
> 
> anyway, leave a comment. or u do u, aha.


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